A Death That Spawned a Rebirth
When I read the guidelines for this essay entry, I was intrigued. It made me wonder if there was an experience that I would view as a “death,” and not only did one come to mind, but it also brought about a rebirth, so to speak, in my life.
This “death” that I’m referring to is my decision to walk away from religion. It started gradually in 2019, and I was officially done with it in 2020. This death, so to speak, is one that I never thought I would experience because I spent so much time and so many years — particularly my adult life — in religion and religious organizations.
I wouldn’t say that I was a fanatic, but I was dedicated to the cause. A big part of what caused this death was my experience in a religious organization called The Way of Yah Synagogue — seven years of my life I’ll never get back. While it was one of the main reasons I no longer follow religion, it’s not the only reason. I look at it as more of a beginning of a domino effect.
My goal here is to keep this entry as clean as possible because it’s difficult for me to mince words when speaking on this experience. It tends to get dark and verbally violent, which I plan to save for a book that I have in mind, among other details, so I intend to keep this as concise as possible for an entry.
The “Death”
In late 2008, I started watching YouTube videos of sermons of one known as Pastor Tony Smith that was uploaded by his members. They were called The Way of God Church back then before changing the name in the mid-2010s due to a change of doctrine.
I was drawn to Tony’s unique way of teaching. I’ll admit, (initially) can be very convincing and can wow and entertain you with his some of antics, his strong opinions concerning social ills, preachers he considers to be false, and his ability to recall biblical verses without reading the book or the use of a teleprompter. Some people said that’s what he was using, but I was there, and that wasn’t the case. He was just that good at recalling biblical verses.
He spoke on things that resonated with me in terms of social ills (e.g. the way “Blacks” are disrespected in society) because for the most part, I have a similar point of view. Combine everything and by 2009, I was convinced that I wasn’t “saved,” and that I needed a preacher to guide and direct my path to the “Most High” so that I can live according to his will and be “saved”. In 2011, I was finally able to make the trip to Georgia for one of their “feast days” and by that weekend, I was baptized and became a member of the then-Way of God Church.
Looking back, I realize this was nothing more than a sales pitch to reel people in, particularly when he would mention how the men and women of the Bible were actually “people of color” and that they are the real Jews. He had a way of using and “correlating” verses to look as if everything lined up. Like I said, he can very convincing — if you’re not careful.
It’s amazing how what I once thought was the best decision I’ve ever made, turned out to be one of, if not the worst decision I’ve ever made. I think about an episode on The Twilight Zone entitled Spur of the Moment where the current version of a lady attempts to go back in time to stop her younger self from marrying a man that her father warned her not marry, who ended up ruining the family’s fortune. I say that to say that if I could go back to 2011, I would’ve stopped myself from getting that on bus to go to Georgia.
It wasn’t all bad in the beginning, when you first join, you’re treated like one of the family, perhaps closer than a family. Then as time goes on, you see the masks come off people, and you wonder what in the world did you get yourself into. That place is toxic and dysfunctional, and is loaded with dirty, cut-throat individuals and their pastor is the ringleader, as I found out later. He walks around with this fake humility, but he is one of, if not the most arrogant bastard I’ve ever met.
Along with that, he’s a sadistic, juvenile, two-faced snake. He finds a way to justify anything he does, whether it’s chalking things up to “laughing and having fun” or finding some biblical verse to justify his BS. He doesn’t care if he disrespects or offend people, but the game changes if you do or say something he doesn’t like. Now all of a sudden, you’ve crossed the “man of the Most High.”
Although he would probably deny this, he wants people to conform to him, which I refused to do, which I’m sure is another reason he had a problem with me. He would use his platform to criticize and make fun of people who were more laid-back and perhaps introverted. Not everyone is gregarious and outgoing, and there’s nothing wrong with that. He would get in his feelings and would make you look as if you’re “uptight” if you don’t laugh at his repetitive, corny jokes — which most of time wasn’t jokes, it was more “jokes” with underlying opinions — and if he disagrees with you or vice versa, just sit back and watch the pure broad come out of him.
My contempt for him actually started in 2015 when he was instigating in one meeting, saying that I can’t get a certain type of woman, based off his opinion of my looks — which I couldn’t give two flips about — but this blockhead he pointed out can, according to him. Then he came with insults and cheap shots when I wouldn’t take some hideous elephant of a woman he tried to low-key force on me. To me, they both were in on it. Knowing both of them as I did, I knew she was going to try to corner me with that “going against the man of the Most High” stuff, and I knew he was going to come with the insults and shaming language like a female if I refused, but I stood my ground. Nobody is going to make, shame, or pressure me into taking someone I don’t want.
This is where I started to see him for who he really is, and again, this is where my contempt and resentment towards him started, but I repressed it because of the conditioning of the BS he taught. It all went downhill from there, people would come at me with foolishness — it was as if they had nothing better to do but to deliberately mess with people, and again Tony was the ringleader. He wouldn’t say anything to them; but was quick to criticize and blame me. In way, he enabled them.
Speaking of female behavior, it’s funny to me how for all of his masculine talk and “building men” — which he doesn’t “build” men, he berates and belittles them — he often acts like a female, a messy, vindictive female at that. He’s gossipy and messy, he instigates, but will have the nerve to call somebody else out for being “messy,” he’s an attention whore, he has to have all eyes on him, he interrupts and talks over people, he barely lets people have their say, and the shaming language/tactics. There’s more, but this is behavior that I mainly seen from females.
By 2017, I didn’t want to be there anymore. I just going through the motions. I was eventually removed in 2018 because of my reaction to a brown nosing, run-and-tell piece of garbage who called himself reporting me because I said something regarding how people addressed me. To rewind a little bit, I recall a meeting about that. I’ll probably say this until I’m blue in the face: it’s my freaking name, so why were we having a meeting over this? Why was this even being discussed?!
I think the narcissistic prick been wanted to rid of me, but he never had a “legitimate” reason to do so. My reaction to the suck-up (a poem addressing his actions that I posted on LinkedIn) is what finally gave him a reason to remove me. Now, as far as his text went concerning me addressing this person individually, I agree in theory, but the problem was, like clockwork, I was being criticized, blamed, and some cases gaslighted regardless of how people came at me.
It got to point to where I thought, why say anything? I just going to get blamed, anyway. So why bother? I had to express my frustrations in some way, and being a writer, I chose the route of talking about it in a blog. Initially, I regretted my decision because of being conditioned with that BS he taught about not having a watchman for your soul if you’re “disconnected” from the body, how hard it’s going to be to find another place who teaches what he teaches — sounds like an abusive man manipulating a woman, doesn’t it? — and so on, but thinking back, I have zero regrets about what I did.
Looking back, I realized my removal was inevitable. I was beyond frustrated and fed up with the way I was being treated, and the shady, one-sided politics that was going on in there. I was eventually removed, but I should’ve left at least three years prior. In retrospect, I freed myself by doing what I did, I just didn’t realize it at the time.
Tony, well, his first name is actually Henry — hey, he wouldn’t respect my mind concerning my name, so F him — never have to worry about me asking to come back in there. Although some of the anger I have towards myself has subsided in terms of the time, years, and money I wasted in that toilet bowl, there’s still some anger that’s still there, but I’ll overcome it. I’ve acknowledged before that I made a mistake getting involved with them. From here, it’s learning from it and keep moving forward.
As far as time, years, and money, the money I can eventually make up but the time and years I’ll never get back, and that’s part of the source of my anger within myself. Well, that and my extreme disappointment in someone who I had a lot of respect for, but it wasn’t reciprocated, so of course, all of that went down the drain. There’s no way I’m going to respect someone who doesn’t respect me. In retrospect, it’s funny how he would call out others for being “false,” and he turned out to be fraudulent.
All-in-all, I’m glad to be out of there. I don’t miss anything about that place. Some call it a “cult,” but I disagree. I think calling it a cult is giving it too much credit. That place is a craphole! Normally, I would call it something else, but I want to keep this entry as PC (Politically Correct) as possible. It’s difficult to dwell and thrive in a toxic, dysfunctional environment like that. Never again. On the bright side, they’re toxic individuals who I’m glad are no longer in my life.
The Rebirth
As I mentioned earlier, while that experience isn’t the only reason for me leaving religion alone altogether, it is what started a domino effect. After my removal, I had time to reflect on things and reexamine everything, and I realized there’s no way anyone has any concrete, tangible proof or evidence of such a deity that ever existed. People are going around trusting and believing in something that’s uncertain and unproven. I’ve trusted “God,” “Yah,” the “Most High” whatever the heck you want to call him for years, and nothing has changed — little-to-nothing at best.
Since taking this path, I feel as if I have a new lease on life. I don’t have these religious, in some cases overbearingly legalistic, rules and restrictions holding me back. It’s as if a long-time spell has been broken and that dark cloud of fear has dissipated, and it all started with the aftermath of that experience. Now, that doesn’t mean I’m going to go around living any kind of way; however, I don’t think you need religion to be a “good” or “righteous” person. I walked away from it and I’m glad to say that I still don’t have a desire to do certain things.
These preachers will use these scare tactics such as the “devil,” and if you do such and such, you’re “going to hell.” To me, it’s nothing but fearmongering. Referring back to my experience at TWOY — rather, the aftermath of it — coming to these realizations is what helped me get over that fear of “going of hell.” None of this stuff has been proven. I think it’s nothing more than glorified scare tactics and fearmongering.
In the end, it’s all a bunch of mental manipulation to keep people in check and to get people to do their bidding. For instance, the thing with tithing. These preachers will convince that you’re “robbing God” or whatever deity you follow, if you don’t pay your tithes, using verses in that fairy tale book called the Bible in an attempt to back up their claim.
Question: What would something invisible need with something tangible? As that old expression goes: “What does ‘God’ need with money?” You know, there was a time where I would’ve had a problem with someone saying that, but the process of reflecting, reexamining, unlearning, and deprogramming a lot of things that I thought or believed to be true has changed that.
I think this whole religion thing is biggest con and cash cow ever. I think it’s the only thing that sells more than sex and controversy, and ironically, sometimes all three of them end up in the same bed, so to speak. I have more I want to say concerning this matter, but my goal was to keep it as brief as possible, so while I’m ending this entry here, this definitely won’t be my last time talking about it. As matter of fact, I intend to go into more detail in the future.
